Out of the Blue

An opportunity to ride the waves of a mother and daughter’s journey through the heart – with cancer, grief, healing, and the greatest love, grace and presence possible.

This blog weaves together Elizabeth Blue’s poetry and memoir written during her 22 years, and Lucia Maya’s email journal and memoir of her daughter’s last year, her time of living and dying in a state of grace.  Though heartbreakingly sad, it has been breathtakingly beautiful. I hope you’ll join me. This is dedicated to Elizabeth Blue, so that the world may experience her essence and her gifts. She was born January 12, 1990 and left us September 23, 2012.

Elizabeth Blue and Lucia Maya

Elizabeth Blue and Lucia Maya ~ April, 2012

It will be easiest to follow if you begin at the beginning, and follow along chronologically.

Recent Posts

What Would Be Elizabeth’s 25th Birthday

I have been remarkably quiet here for some time. Not that I don’t have anything to say, but I’ve felt somehow paralyzed. There are some days filled with joy and gratitude – full and hopeful, and I don’t have much to say about them. There are days filled with deep sorrow, my eyes filling with unspilled tears with nearly every breath, as the past two weeks have been, and I don’t quite know how to express in words what is in my heart…I am grateful for these anniversaries and birthdays as it gives me an absolute knowing that I will sit down here and write, and there is much that wants to be written.

Today, January 12, 2015, Elizabeth would have turned 25. She would have been here in Hawaii these last couple of weeks with me, with her sister and my partner, with her aunts and her cousins, her grandmother…we would have all celebrated her birthday together, at least in my imagination. And she’s not. And we’re not celebrating with her. I know she’s here in spirit, I’m feeling her laughing at me, and I don’t care, I just wish she were here. Her bossy, sweet, appreciative, wise and beautiful embodied self.

Elizabeth Blue, Elizabeth Meagher,

Elizabeth, ~ age 8

I know I’m not alone in missing her. It’s possible I’m not even missing her and hurting the most (though it’s hard to imagine that). I know the rest of our family and her close friends, maybe even people I never knew, are missing her terribly, their hearts hurting and throats filled with tears. And yet, even when I’m with others, I feel alone in this. Ironically, I’ve barely been alone these past 3 weeks, and perhaps that’s part of why I feel so separate from Elizabeth. It’s when I have more time alone that I can most easily feel her presence and connect with her spirit, and then I feel more connected with everything.

I do sense she’s farther away these days though – tending to bigger things than just me and my grief. She feels more diffuse nowadays, more everywhere and less anywhere. So I will celebrate her birthday without her, with family, and mostly within myself.

Her birthday is deeply important to me. I gave birth to her 25 years ago on this day. I knew her intimately from the time she was conceived. I fed her from my own body for over two years. I watched her joys and her sorrows and her loves and her fears. I watched her take her first step, discover her love for avocado, dress up in clothes with delight, eat her first and her last, bite of food. I watched her take her last breath. Today, she will be honored and loved, celebrated and cried for. I carry her with me and all who are reading this carry her as well. Thank you.

Happy birthday my sweet first born. Happy birthday Elizabeth Blue.

Lucia Maya, Elizabeth Blue, Elizabeth Meagher,

Celebrating our birthdays, January, 2009

Lucia Maya, Elizabeth Blue, Elizabeth Meagher, Lucia Maya, Elizabeth Blue, Elizabeth Meagher,

These photos are from 2009, on a family vacation when Elizabeth and I celebrated our birthdays together. Mine is December 24, and hers January 12, and we were all together sometime in between.

  1. “5 Lessons I Learned About Life By Investigating The Afterlife” by Bob Olson Leave a reply
  2. With Night – a poem by Sabine Miller 2 Replies
  3. Summer Squash – poem by Elizabeth Blue 2 Replies
  4. A Cancer Poem – by Elizabeth Blue 2 Replies
  5. Second Anniversary 11 Replies
  6. Facing My Own Mortality 34 Replies
  7. The Shadow Side of Love 23 Replies