For two and a half months, from March to the end of May, 2012 all was well. Elizabeth had completed chemo, and in April she and I were photographed together by a wonderful local artist, Jade Beall, who captured Elizabeth in her beauty, full of life, and the two of us expressing the love that we share. In late May, my younger daughter, Julianna, had come home from her freshman year at NYU for the summer, and it was a wonderful chance for the two girls to spend time together. It turned out to be extremely fortuitous that Julianna was home for the summer, though we would not know immediately just how important it would be.
Elizabeth and Julianna at The Cup Cafe, June 7, 2012
By the beginning of June however, Elizabeth started having headaches, sometimes accompanied by vomiting. At first we thought it was a stomach bug, and then it appeared to be a migraine. It truly didn’t occur to me that it might be something worse, as the PET scan had showed her completely free of cancer just 3 months earlier, and I had the impression that if she ever had a recurrence it would be years later, not months.
As her headache gradually grew much worse, she received massage, Reiki, craniosacral work, and acupuncture, but nothing could relieve the pain for long. On Friday evening, June 8, we went to an urgent care clinic, where they examined her and diagnosed her with “tension headaches” and gave her mild pain meds. She moved into my guest house that night, as she couldn’t keep much food down, and was in so much pain and so light sensitive, she couldn’t even look at the screen of her phone or computer. I knew it was bad when she asked me to read and respond to her friends’ texts! We were in touch with various doctors over the weekend, but all were assuming she had a migraine, (though she had no history of headaches), and trying to find a medication that would help.
Finally on June 12, Elizabeth’s doctor Ann Marie Chiasson, also a good friend, was in the neighborhood and stopped by to check on her. She recommended we go to the ER to rule out meningitis because of neck tenderness, and we drove to a small hospital half hour away, as we knew there’d be no waiting there. They did a CT scan and we learned very quickly that there was swelling and a large tumor in her brain, about 7 cm by 7 cm. They were concerned about seizure and stroke and prepared to transport her by ambulance to our local, larger, university-affiliated hospital, where she’d been treated before.
I was in shock. I remember sitting outside and sobbing, texting all our family and close friends, including my partner who had left a few days earlier to be in Hawaii for 2 months. For the first time in my life I called my mother and told her I needed her and asked if she’d come right away. She said she’d catch the first plane and be here in the morning. Something shifted in me then, letting go of the self that had been so independent, rarely asking for help, and knowing that that was no longer an option. I needed help. I needed the presence and support of my mom, and was so grateful she was able to come.
While I was outside, Elizabeth told our friend Ann Marie that she was just worried about me, worried if I would be ok. I think some part of her knew, in that moment, that she wasn’t going to live long. Perhaps she’d known on some level since her initial diagnosis, and it appears that her soul knew from a very young age – the one who wrote poetry seems to have known…I, however, have such an optimistic nature that it can border on denial, and I believed that she would overcome this recurrence of cancer fully and live a long life. I didn’t (wouldn’t) consider any other possibility and it felt disloyal, and like a betrayal of sorts, to think otherwise.
Once at UMC, (she posted photos of the inside of the ambulance while riding to the hospital), Elizabeth was brought to a room, first with a roommate and her mother, who talked nonstop, then for an MRI to get a better image of her brain, and was finally admitted to a private room on the oncology unit (thank goodness), both of us getting to sleep about 1 am. We were woken at 4 am by a neurosurgery resident telling us (with some excitement) that she would have brain surgery in a few hours to biopsy and diagnose the tumor. Exhausted and frightened, we managed to get a couple more hours of sleep. Elizabeth was still in pain, though finally with IV pain meds and steroids to reduce the swelling, it was less intense. At 6 am, an intern from the oncology team came in, examined Elizabeth and said it was unlikely she’d need a biopsy, as her lymphoma specialist seemed 99% certain it was a recurrence of the Non-Hodgkins B-cell lymphoma. I don’t remember much of her reaction, though she did ask one doctor her odds of surviving with the treatment they were discussing, and after hearing of one study with older men, who had about a 30% survival rate of 5 years, she was naturally very upset, talking of how little time 5 years was, and how could she do everything she wanted in such a short time! She wanted to become an English professor, get married and have children, write memoirs…I was also upset, but tried to convince her of the positive aspects, that this was only one study, with older people who may have had other health issues, and that since she was young and otherwise healthy, those numbers didn’t apply to her.
Later that day Elizabeth nearly passed out, after standing to wash her hands, and I could feel her energy waning. When I texted some friends to keep her in their prayers, I said she was “fading in and out”. It felt like she was deciding whether to leave then, and the doctors said later that it was amazing she didn’t have a stroke or a large seizure. She told me a couple of times that she did not want to live several years and be going through cancer treatment that whole time, only to die anyway. I told her she would not have to do that, and that was true.
She moved through these days of uncertainty, pain and difficult news with incredible grace, courage, beauty, love and humor. She was my badass, lovely, wise-beyond-her-years, 22 year old daughter. There is no one like her, and I miss her.
Elizabeth Blue, May, 2012
If you want to follow the process as it was unfolding in “real time”, here are the emails I sent family and close friends from the month of June, 2012:
Dear family and friends,
most of you already have heard that Elizabeth’s excruciating headache and vomiting of the last 2 weeks brought her to the ER yesterday. She’s now at UMC where she’s had a preliminary CT scan, MRI and right now a contrast CT scan, and it’s almost certain that the lymphoma is what’s been the cause of the pain. We’ll know more later today hopefully. There’s a possibility they’ll do a biopsy, but sounding more likely that they’ll get enough info from all these tests to determine with certainty what it is.
She’s finally on enough pain meds to get relief, and is in amazingly good spirits, with a great sense of humor and inspiring presence.
This is not what I expected or hoped to be writing today, as she was totally clear of cancer as of a couple of months ago, but this is what’s happening and I’m sure she will deal with it with the same grace, courage and perseverance that she has dealt with all this so far.
Thanks for all your support!
looks like no surgery, they’re 99% sure it’s lymphoma that’s in a new place. they’ll do another (!) CT scan tomorrow of her whole body to be sure it’s nowhere else. and then start her on a chemo regimen, likelyweekly, getting the drugs into the spinal fluid or brain directly. And starting her on steroids daily too. A five month process. this is all preliminary.
6/14/12 to a friend
Elizabeth is at UMC now, since Tuesday. They’ve found the lymphoma has spread to her brain. I still can’t believe I’m writing this. They’ve started treatment with steroids and will add the heavy hitters today or tomorrow. She’s getting another CT scan this am to be sure it’s not anywhere else. Please pray that it’s very limited or even already gone! She’s doing a bit better with less pain finally, but really drugged. My mom is here which meant I could go home and sleep some last night which was good.
E is in pretty good spirits when not in pain, with a sense of humor, amazing courage, good attitude and an incredible presence. She’s looking at another 5 months of chemo, likely every week this time.
Sending lots of love,
a quick update – some good news today: Elizabeth is MUCH better today – she’s not in pain and no more nausea or vomiting! She looks like herself again, more color in her cheeks (she had none) and light in her eyes again. The steroids they started her on are working to shrink the tumor or at least the swelling. It’s amazing the difference and i want to thank all of you for sending so much love and healing energy to her, I know it’s helping!
The “tumor board” met this morning at the hospital and discussed her case, which is apparently a real blessing – all the best, most experienced folks from different departments weighing in and coming to a decision on the best treatment plan. So, assuming that the tumor is only in her brain (they just did an abdominal CT which was excellent – no sign of cancer in any of her organs) and will still do an MRI of her spine to be sure so we should know that by tonight), we have a plan. They will treat her with 2 chemo drugs, vincristine and methotrexate, plus ongoing steroids. The chemo will be given IV into a port they’ll insert in her arm. and will be done as an inpatient over about 2 days, over about 6 months. They said many people have an easier time with this protocol than the one she had been on, so that’s also good news. A longer journey with all this than we expected or hoped, but it feels very promising to me today.
yesterday was so crazy I didn’t have time to write. Plans (for how to administer chemo) kept changing all day, and finally Elizabeth received her first treatment late in the evening through her IV. There was little sleep last night, so she’s resting now, and thankfully Julianna, my mom and Victoria are all here for support, to keep her company and all the logistics.
The news from the spinal MRI is unclear – there may be some lymphoma cells there, but they could also just be some spots that are nothing. They are treating her the same in either case. She will likely be here at UMC til Monday, as they need to watch her kidney function closely after the treatment, although they’re doing lots of good things to protect them, they are just being cautious.
Elizabeth is amazing. She is beautifully navigating all this, with great questions for the medical staff, incredible strength and courage, wisdom beyond her years, and great patience. She’s finally feeling well enough though to be getting impatient about going home, which is a good sign! Getting rest here is practically impossible…
Thank you all for your love and support. I’ll try to keep you all updated, probably less frequently now.
Elizabeth preparing for first inpatient chemo, 6/15/12
Elizabeth and Lucia as she’s preparing for first inpatient chemo, 6/15/12
Elizabeth with her godmother, Victoria
Julianna, Elizabeth’s sister, by her bedside, 6/15/12
Elizabeth at the hospital, 6/15/12
dear M and D,(friends)
She is definitely in an amazing and incredible transformative process. I have to say I’m seeing miraculous shifts and I do believe she is here to do some really important things in this lifetime, and it feels like it will be a long one. I do hope I’m right!
thank you for your faith… all healing is welcome…
She should be coming home tomorrow, and then will have chemo every 2 weeks for 6 months…I am holding the vision that this will bring complete and perfect healing for her!
6/18 from a friend
With all my love and infinite blessings.
Elizabeth is very close to my heart!
Her radiance is incredible!
J. and I meditate together daily and always connect with her.
A situation like this is what brought me to my path… By totally lovingly trusting the radiance.
Opened all the inner doors the end of which I have not seen.
You convey so beautifully the essence of Elizabeth’s state. Your love and her greatness shine through!!!
What are her dreams?
Know I am with you in and out!
I am praying right now… That what she is carrying be released…
Love you dearly.
My heart is with you,
6/18 (to friend and teacher M.E.)
She had a dream in the hospital, just as she was waking – you were there and telling her that her assignment for the day was to be kind to everyone who walked in her door that day, and so she was…
Another night she had a wonderful dream/vision i recorded…something about being two different versions of herself, and knowing that she wasn’t supposed to be there in that room. and finally saying maybe she could integrate the 2 different aspects of herself, as we talked about it at 4 am….
This does feel very ancestral, the day of her fist diagnosis (11/4/11) was my (paternal) grandparents wedding anniversary, and my mother and stepfather’s anniversary, and the date of this diagnosis (6/12/12) was her father’s and my anniversary! All the aspects of her family represented in the dates.
I’m headed to sleep, a very long day, but she’s home and I am too. happily.
so Elizabeth is home, doing well, though really tired. She had her follow up visit today with a bit more info: she will have another MRI before her next treatment most likely, scheduled for July 2 now, and if the swelling is down enough, the neurosurgeon will put a small “reservoir” in her head, where they can infuse the medicine directly into the tumor. This addresses the issue of the chemo not being able to fully penetrate the blood/brain barrier. Plus she’ll receive some other medicine through an IV of some sort, maybe a PICC line, maybe not.. They don’t know how many treatments since it will depend on how she/her body responds, at least 3 months, possibly longer.
Today her blood work was excellent, with great blood counts and Sandy (her NP at the cancer center) was very happy! She hopes this bodes well for going forward as well…So far the major issue is being tired, which could certainly be from lack of sleep and being in pain for so long… Elizabeth continues to have no pain, and is overall in great spirits. Trying to figure out what she can do, as far as work, school, etc… with lots of questions still.
I know this is a lot of detail, and soon I will not send these emails, but this seems the easiest way to communicate to this group what’s going on here. I so appreciate all prayers, love, support and words of encouragement from all of you!
I fully trust that Elizabeth will recover completely, whole and healthy. I hope you all hold her in that vision and see her completely well…
She continues to amaze me with her patience, courage, sweetness and thoughtfulness. More to come!!
6/19/12 from a doctor friend
having experience w/ cancer patients thru residency, there is something special about them – there is something about cancer that i think burns away all the bullshit, and leaves people with who they really are. For most people – this is the crazy weird gift that cancer brings – they are better for having gone through the experience. the dross gets burned away, and all that is left is their real selves, their essence, their truth.
i knew this from doing cancer work before i even met you guys. and i cannot imagine how bright your daughter’s light will shine after she has been through this (again). it is not fair, and not right, but her gifts will come to so much fruition after passing through this fire. i believe that, i truly do. the core of her being is going to come through, and it is going to be amazing.
i love you.
Jun 19, 2012 Lucia Maya wrote:
yes, doubt and uncertainty suck, as does cancer. I’m sad she has to go through this, and then I also know it is necessary and will be (another) amazing opportunity. She was so amazing during the last round…I get sad if i think about her gifts not getting “fully” expressed, and have to remember that however long we live, that is our full expression. Easier in theory!
things continue to move forward, not as fast as Elizabeth would like, but there’s progress… the latest MRI showed the tumor has already responded to the first treatment and the steroids, so that’s very good news. They are waiting until it’s a bit smaller though (hopefully before the 3rd treatment in 2 weeks), for the neurosurgeons to do their part, and insert an Omaya reservoir (sp?) in her head. This will allow one of the medicines (methotrexate) to be given directly into the tumor site, and will be even more effective, and also will affect the rest of her body less, which is good.
So this Monday, July 2, Elizabeth will be at UMC getting her 2nd chemo treatment of this phase. It involves about 24 hours of IV sodium bicarbonate to bring her urine to “basic”, ph of 7, and then the 2 medicines to treat the cancer, followed by another 24 or so hours of sodium bicarb and leucovorin (sp?), a “rescue drug” which will help to clear her body of these drugs. So probably 3 days in the hospital. They were planning to place a picc line to give one of the meds, but looks like it’s complicated due to her new vein structure (from the first tumor’s location), so some specialists will consult to see if there’s a solution, otherwise she’ll just get the medicine in her veins through an IV, as before.
She also had visits with 2 integrative oncologists this week, who both had recommendations for complementary treatments that will increase the benefits of the chemo and help alleviate some of the side effects. She’s really bothered by the spaciness from the anti-seizure med she’s on, and the steroids are making it hard to sleep, with a super busy mind, plus other mood issues, so hopefully these new things will help!
Having my mom and Victoria here was wonderful, and then Greg (Elizabeth’s father who lives in California) was here until yesterday, which was great too. Elizabeth has a friend from Seattle coming tomorrow for a few days, and it’s important for her to have support and company most of the time. It looks like Tashe (my sister) and my mom will come out and stay for a week each while I go to work in Hawaii with Zelie, end of July and early August, which is a huge relief to me that they’ll be here with Elizabeth, and Julianna too.
Overall staying positive and optimistic, and some days are easier than others. I am seeing Elizabeth completely healed and well, and living a long and fulfilling life! I so appreciate all your love and support and prayers! We are very grateful.
JULY, 2012 will be coming up soon…and next will be some of Elizabeth’s writings from this time. Thank you for reading and joining me on this journey.