I have been remarkably quiet here for some time. Not that I don’t have anything to say, but I’ve felt somehow paralyzed. There are some days filled with joy and gratitude – full and hopeful, and I don’t have much to say about them. There are days filled with deep sorrow, my eyes filling with unspilled tears with nearly every breath, as the past two weeks have been, and I don’t quite know how to express in words what is in my heart…I am grateful for these anniversaries and birthdays as it gives me an absolute knowing that I will sit down here and write, and there is much that wants to be written.
Today, January 12, 2015, Elizabeth would have turned 25. She would have been here in Hawaii these last couple of weeks with me, with her sister and my partner, with her aunts and her cousins, her grandmother…we would have all celebrated her birthday together, at least in my imagination. And she’s not. And we’re not celebrating with her. I know she’s here in spirit, I’m feeling her laughing at me, and I don’t care, I just wish she were here. Her bossy, sweet, appreciative, wise and beautiful embodied self.
I know I’m not alone in missing her. It’s possible I’m not even missing her and hurting the most (though it’s hard to imagine that). I know the rest of our family and her close friends, maybe even people I never knew, are missing her terribly, their hearts hurting and throats filled with tears. And yet, even when I’m with others, I feel alone in this. Ironically, I’ve barely been alone these past 3 weeks, and perhaps that’s part of why I feel so separate from Elizabeth. It’s when I have more time alone that I can most easily feel her presence and connect with her spirit, and then I feel more connected with everything.
I do sense she’s farther away these days though – tending to bigger things than just me and my grief. She feels more diffuse nowadays, more everywhere and less anywhere. So I will celebrate her birthday without her, with family, and mostly within myself.
Her birthday is deeply important to me. I gave birth to her 25 years ago on this day. I knew her intimately from the time she was conceived. I fed her from my own body for over two years. I watched her joys and her sorrows and her loves and her fears. I watched her take her first step, discover her love for avocado, dress up in clothes with delight, eat her first and her last, bite of food. I watched her take her last breath. Today, she will be honored and loved, celebrated and cried for. I carry her with me and all who are reading this carry her as well. Thank you.
Happy birthday my sweet first born. Happy birthday Elizabeth Blue.
These photos are from 2009, on a family vacation when Elizabeth and I celebrated our birthdays together. Mine is December 24, and hers January 12, and we were all together sometime in between.
Luminous Blue 
I came to this post from the comment on Tric’s blog. I wish you peace as you continue to hold your firstborn in your heart.
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Thank you Joanne. I appreciate that and do find peace much of the time.
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This is just beautiful.
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Thank you Tric. And thank you for the opportunity to share this on your blog!
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I understand what you mean about feeling their presence becoming more diffused. I too have felt a loved one’s presence “leaving” but not left.
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Dear Kate,
thank you for this, it helps to know I’m in good company!
love, Lucia
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So beautiful. Your words speak to my heart..birthdays are so difficult but such a blessing as well… Thank you for sharing your precious daughter .
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Dear Daphne, thank you for writing and I apologize for my long delayed response! I so appreciate your words. Thank you.
love,
Lucia
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Thinking of you…how could I not be? I don’t even know what to say. Philip’s birthday’s next week – it’s their season and no matter I come to know, it’s all so devastating.
Love you, Lucia, I do – you and Elizabeth Blue.
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Dear Denise, thank you so much for writing, and for your constant presence and love. Sorry i’m just now getting back here, I just couldn’t for a bit, much as I wanted to… sending you so much love, Lucia
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No apologies – not one. I am just grateful to have both of you in my life.
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You’re so brave, Lucia. I so admire not only how honestly and openly you share your thoughts and feelings, but also the fact that you’re so willing to confront them in the first place. That is what attracts me to your writing, I think. And I know from personal experience that when you press on that bruise, when you feel the pain and work through it, it actually feels good. It is cathartic and cleansing and a relief, as well. And then, in its place, I always find strength and a feeling of peace that was not there before. I wish the same for you.
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Dear Fransi, I’m sorry for my long delay in responding!
Yes, it does feel better when I feel and express, especially through writing. Something lifts so quickly once the piece comes through, as though there’s been this tension I’ve been holding that is released finally. I had peace after writing this, and again today after my latest one – so grateful.
much love,
Lucia
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“That love is all there is,
Is all we know of Love.”
E. Dickinson
My heart aches with you; your courage & writing are inspiring: a beacon of light!
Love, Tana Jay’s madrecita: JANice
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Dear Janice, thank you so much for writing, and I’m so sorry for my long delay – just couldn’t get myself back here for a bit…What a beautiful quote!
I’m so touched to hear from you, and know you have had your own losses – I’m so sorry. My heart is with you as well.
much love, Lucia
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I could comment on many things in your writing, but I have chosen just one part. When you wrote about feeling what you do in such a solitary manner that truly spoke to me. As much as those who love us want to connect and support us in carrying our pain, ultimately there is a deep connection to pain that only we know intimately. I personally don’t believe anyone can truly know what we feel in our hearts at the deepest level. Perhaps that is the way it is meant to be. Maybe the Divine in all its wisdom has given us this bittersweet gift to hold, honor, and build relationship with our deepest feelings in our own unique way. No one can truly honor our path any better than we can. May you find deeper guidance, wisdom and comfort these days. Thank you for sharing so beautifully.
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Dear Sue, I am so sorry for my long delay! What you write is so true, and I so appreciate you taking the time to write here. No matter how supported and surrounded we are by those in body and those in spirit, there’s a way that it is a solitary journey, and great gifts to be received when we can open to them! much love,
Lucia
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