Slowing Way Down
Some of the last emails I sent, about my older daughter Elizabeth Blue’s journey towards the ultimate release, from the two weeks before her transition last year.
September 14, 2012
things here are slowing waaay down. No words now, sometimes nodding or shaking her head in response to a question, sometimes that seems too much effort.
Elizabeth still has no pain, is comfortable and has no fear that I feel…there are lots of folks assisting her, both here and in the other realms too. She’s not eating still, and only taking small sips of water. The hospice nurse and our doctor/friend Ann Marie assure us that all is progressing as expected and in the best possible way as far as being peaceful and comfortable. Even throughout the day there are changes, as tonight she had a hard time taking one of the medicines through a straw, so we skipped that one…it’s probably only days left now, but it’s still hard to say. She’s breathing fine, a bit different now, and very inward, very much connected with the other worlds now.
Today 10 of Elizabeth’s friends came to say goodbye, led by Samantha, her closest friend, and it was so beautiful. Full of tears, laughter, stories, reminiscences – they each took a turn holding her hand, kneeling by her bedside and talking to her, kissing her, loving her and telling her goodbye. It was exquisite. They were all so loving, so respectful and sweet with us. Amazing.
Feeling how precious we each are, remembering to tell those you love how you feel, letting the small things go, knowing that each day is precious, each smile, each kiss… for us all, not just Elizabeth.
sending love to you all ~ if you’re receiving this email know that I love you.
September 15, 2012
…a rare and REALLY hard day, watching Elizabeth visibly recede, and I was compelled, like I was a zombie, to watch some of E’s video diaries, of her when she was healthy, and then right when she was finishing chemo, and so hopeful and herself… it was beyond heartbreaking, and I’ve been avoiding going back and revisiting other times, but today i got pulled in. The rest of the day I can barely be present with her. Can’t sit still, am angry, rageful, so sad…
September 19, 2012
Elizabeth hasn’t been eating for 2 weeks now, except for these few times: it was lovely that she ate what seemed to be her last meal from Zelie, some fruit and toast for breakfast. Then 4 days later when Greg arrived, with her favorite dessert, carrot cake, she ate a few bites, and then our dear friend Tita brought by some food, and Greg prepared and fed Elizabeth a whole meal of beans, rice, avocado, quesadilla – all her favorite foods, and it was so beautiful, her being able to receive that from her dad, who has such a deep connection to food and sharing his love for people through food…Then I was writing to him about how lovely that was, and realizing that I couldn’t remember the last food I’d fed her, and felt really sad. A few hours later I offered her food again, (now days since she’d said yes to eating) and she said yes, as though she knew what I’d been thinking. I fed her a perfect peach, and she gave me the gift of being able to feed her one more time…
She’s had almost no water for that long too (just enough to take pills and a few more sips), though the last few days it’s been hard for her to swallow, so she gets no pills, only 2 medications to give now, both liquid. She has occasional ice chips, but often says no to that too.
She started having some pain a couple of days ago, so has had liquid morphine 3 times, but no pain yesterday or today. She still has tremors/shakiness so gets liquid lorazepam a couple of times a day for that. She’s sleeping much of each day, partly from the medication, and partly from having so little energy. She’s wanting to be alone more, doesn’t want any visitors and some days doesn’t want me around, which is different. So it really feels like she’s disconnecting from this world…
Given all this, it’s quite remarkable that when there are no medications in her, she’s still quite clear, with a small smile to greet me in the morning, and this morning gave a thumbs up to my questions of how she slept and how she was feeling…She still rubs her lips together when i put lip balm on, like she always has, just very slowly now. And she doesn’t want me to massage or put lotion on her now – it seems like too much stimulation, and bringing her back into the awareness of the body.
She’s not been talking for quite a while, but can still sometimes nod or shake her head, though even that takes effort now, using a lot of energy. She is still comfortable and seems very peaceful.
So there’s no way to say how much longer she might be here, though without any water it seems it can’t be much more. She is amazingly strong, and so courageous and loving. She did say yes a few days ago when I asked if she feels ready to leave, and if she feels that she’s completed everything she came here to do. That hadn’t been true a few weeks ago, so I was grateful to hear that.
Sending much love to all of you, and connecting at the heart…
16 thoughts on “Slowing Down – emails from the depths, September, 2012”
Oh, Lucia…my heart is breaking all over again. It feels too much sometimes; and how are you? Tomorrow will be what it is for you. Know that I’m thinking of you and my heart is with you. You are a treasure.
Thank you Denise. Today I am with family, and we are sharing memories and stories of Elizabeth. I am grateful for this, and for you and others who are with me in this journey…
Oh dear God, how this catapulted me back into Vic’s dying weeks. I am crying for both of us. The same thoughts about feeding Vic, the goodbyes. You are so close to Elizabeth’s 1st anniversary. I hold you in my thoughts dear Lucia. Tonight when I light a candle for my precious Vic I will light one for your precious Elizabeth. Much love.
Tersia, thank you for holding me in your thoughts, and for lighting a candle for her! Today is a good day, feeling lighter and grateful.. taking it day by day. blessings and love to you, Lucia
And what a beautiful, loving, wise, yielding, soft
mother you are, dear lucia.
Sending my heart to you always.
Leslie, thank you for your generous and loving words – they mean a great deal, especially as it was not always easy to be the kind of mother I wanted to be… I am grateful for your presence here. blessings and love, Lucia
Dear heart, your generosity in sharing these tender moments is so precious and healing. Thank you.
With tears of fellow feeling! Walking with you
Carol Louise > Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.” > Pierre Teilhard de Chardin May you be filled with loving kindness May you be peaceful and at ease May you be happy May you be well…..
To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.” —Emily Dickinson
Thank you so much for reading with such an open heart. Such beautiful words, thank you for sharing them! with love and blessings, Lucia
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Lucia, I can’t read this without it tearing open my mother’s heart and allowing my own tears to fall in recognition of all you’ve been through. Thank you for this deep sharing. Shanti…Jenna
Jenna, thank you for reading and for allowing your own heart to open… I am grateful to be able to share in such good company. blessings, Lucia
What a beautiful daughter!
Thank you Tia! I agree, and have to say, my younger daughter is also beautiful, in her own unique way too! blessings, Lucia
Thank you Lucia for sharing your profound life-journey with Elizabeth. Beautiful.
Louise, thank you for reading and taking the time to write. Blessings, Lucia
Been needing to cry today and this did it. Thank you. (It’s a good thing)
Lena, that is a good thing! Glad this helped bring the emotion out to be expressed… blessings, Lucia